I’ve always been afraid of needles. One of my childhood memories that resurface every now and again is of my mother hugging me very tightly while I was getting shots from a nurse. I was probably just 3 or 5 years old, getting some sort of immunization shot right on the buttock. I buried my face right on my Mom’s tummy and grinded my teeth. Everything was easier and better as long as Mom was there.

I’m always surprised and slightly embarrassed that something so tiny can cause me such pain, anxiety, and emotional distress.

When I was diagnosed with hodgkin’s 6 years ago, my mother dropped off everything and came to stay with us. She was, and still is, my pillar of strength. She went with me to many chemotherapy sessions and held me as that needle stuck in me before the drugs started dripping into my veins. Although the circumstances were very different, it always reminded me of when I was little and how she held me through the immunization shots. I’m certain the whole thing hurt her more than it did me: her baby was ill and there was nothing she could do except hugging me and watching me.
I had chemo every other week, for 6 months (totalling 12). My chemo mix was so strong that I needed my white blood cells to be “boosted” in order for my body to be ready for the next round. During the off weeks I got 4 consecutive days of Neupogen shots to accomplish that.

Here are the tiny bottles of Neupogen that helped me recover:

Due to my small veins, the toxicity of the drugs, and my fear of needles, I had a surgery to install the port-a-cath after 2 chemos using my arm veins. The port sat inside my chest wall exactly like in this picture, for an entire year, except my boobs look different. Let me tell you, the port is a fantastic invention. They could numb the area with Emla cream, and they don’t have to hunt for a vein. The picture below is my nifty little port. I’ve kept it as a souvenir, a reminder of the experience, along with the keloid scar that is left on my chest when they took it out.

I still need periodic checkups that requires needles: bloodraws and CT scans that includes contrast injections. And I’m still afraid of needles. But without modern science and the butterfly needle, it could be a lot worse.