Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
Five years ago today I completed the last of twelve chemotherapy sessions. Around 3 p.m. the big ass needle dripped the last drops of ABVD into my port-a-cath. (Which I highly recommend if, god forbidden, one needs to have any sort of prolonged therapy via IV).
Anyway, there I lay on the single bed, in a private chemo room, with my eyes completely shut. Desperately trying to make myself believe I was anywhere BUT there, without any success of course. My darling husband sitting next to me, as he always accompanied me to all of my appointments, and a Lorrie Line CD playing in the background.
It was a day of very mixed emotions. I didn't need to have anymore chemo after today! The joy of that very thought was immensely pleasing. On the other hand, I also knew there would be at least 6 days of hell in the immediate future. Bedridden, nonstop barfing, and if I'm lucky to feel good enough, I'll get to have one (maybe even two!) showers. BUT, this is the last time going through the Six Days of Hell! THE last!
There was a sense of finality. I also felt scared. What if all those chemo didn't rid the cancer completely? (I came to find out it did not and for a short while, there was talk of adding 4 more chemo sessions but in the end, I had radiation therapy to "top it off" instead). What if I needed another treatment protocol that's even more potent / makes me more sick / leaves me infertile? It was dreadful to even imagine any of it. Back then, I tried hard not to think of tomorrow, the week after, or next month. We only made plans of any sort a week in advance at the most — anything further than that was overwhelming — I mean, how are we to know whether I'll even be alive 2 months from now?
I never thought I would be where I am five years later, still alive and in remission, and best of all, have two beautiful healthy children. Life is better than I have imagined. Much better.
When you're in the thick of going through something rough, it's very hard to see above the forest for a sign of rescue. You just have to keep going, keep moving forward, keep believing that someday you will see the blue sky again. It's nearly impossible sometimes, but the alternative doesn't seem to be acceptable. Let the ones you love and those who love you be reminders for you to keep going.
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
Happy Mother's Day to women across the globe, whether you have children or not.
Like many mothers, my mom shows a lot of her love for us through food. She's forever telling us "eat. eat some more."! When she's not busy working 20 hours a day at the sewing company and/or at the farm, she's in the kitchen. Some of my best memories are holidays. Every Chinese New Year she gets up at sparrow's fart and prepares an elaborate feast. I always woke up to the smell of delicious pastries, stews and steamers. Then wander into the kitchen and stuff myself silly (not often as we were very very poor and we couldn't afford anything but average meals to fill our tummies most of the time). Despite the lack of luxury of any sort, she did not fail to shower us with homemade food from the heart.
Mom likes to tell stories of when we were babies/kids. Her face would light up and she recounts events as if they happened just yesterday. She often tells me the story of when she weaned me, or what a good sleeper I was when I was a baby, or how I ate so many bananas that one time until I threw up. It's been nearly 30 years since she gave birth to me, yet the events are crystal clear in her minds eyes. You can tell how profoundly proud she is of her children.
She made many many sacrifices for the sake of her children. She (and my dad) left her mom, brothers and sisters, friends, and went to a place so completely different from everything and everyone she knows, so that her children can have a better future. I honestly cannot say where I would be if that didn't happen. Maybe working 20 hour days somewhere in the countryside on the other side of the globe…
When I was undergoing treatments for hodgkin's, my mom dropped off everything and came to stay with us for several months to take care of me. While hubby was at work, she kept me company and made food for me for the three hundredth time that day because I puked every single previous ones out. She helped clean the house, do dishes, laundry, and gardening. She made comfort food and took them to treatments with me. She let me cry and complain and whine while she just held me tight. I was hurting physically (from treatments) and emotionally (from lack of supportive friends) but I'm very sure she was hurting a thousand times more than I, but she didn't let me see that. She was and still is my pillar of strength.
The biggest sacrifice she made was to have me, her second child. You see, I was born in China, in an era when the One Child Policy was just starting to get propagated. My mom was 5 months pregnant with me when the Authorities came by to "ask" her to go have an abortion. She and my dad went into hiding at a relative's house until birth time. She did give birth at a hospital (government-owned) and her tubes were tied immediately upon delivery, without asking her. It was scandalous not to follow the Authorities and to risk having the second child, especially since they didn't have any means to pay fines. They did anyway, most likely having already fallen in love with the baby-to-be (me). This single act of choice leaves me forever indebted to my parents, without any sense of forced obligation on my part.
Mom, thank you for being you, thank you for everything you've done and continue to do for us children. There is nothing stronger than a Mother's Love. Happy Mother's Day. I love you.
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
Can you believe May is HERE? All of our plants are emerging from under the ground like mad. The trees and flowers are spreading their near fatal pollens, in an attempt to make this a Very Bad Allergy Inaugural for me. It's working. In fact, it's working so good that I can't remember what it feels like without a stuffy nose and watery/itchy eyes. I have a prescription waiting for me at the pharmacy. I hope that will help because everything over-the-counter thus far has failed miserably.
In other news. Our very small neighborhood / block will have its 9th boy very soon, all of whom are under age four. (We have the one and only girl of the neighborhood). And then couple of months after that, the 10th boy will arrive. Is there something in the water? Oh and I hear the new homeowners that will move in soon are pregnant. Maybe it'll be a girl!
Speaking of girl. Dare I speak of it, our Fiona has been sleeping through the night since Friday (now that I've said it, I'll probably jinx it!). And she's been doing very well going to naps too. Prior to Friday night, she was eating every hour or 1.5 hours during the night, all night. And she needed to be slinged and nursed for naps. Her stuffy nose has improved tremendously, so on Friday we decided it was time. She slept from 7:40 p.m. to 7:40 a.m., 12 HOURS, with a total crying/fussing time of no more than 25 minutes the entire night. She still makes sounds/fussy noises every 45-90 minutes throughout, but she goes right back to sleep. ALL BY HERSELF! We're so proud of her.
But BB is still waking up 1-3 times per night, crying or running to our room, or both. So we still aren't getting good sleep.
