It seems I have a number of Minnesotan readers from time to time.
For your musing, here’s cnn.com ranking of the Top Ten Coldest Cities in the US. And guess what! All of them are right here! In f’ing Minnesota!!! Nine of those are within 20 minutes or so of driving from our house! M$#@% F^%$# S*!@.
I read something extremely similar a while ago, if not the same one, as this “diary / joke” below. On the expense of me and fellow Minnesotans, have a chuckle or two, will ya. But, I REALLY want to follow the last diary entry too.
- Aug 12: Moved to our new home in Minnesota. It is so beautiful here. The landscape is so majestic. Can hardly wait to see it with snow. I love it here,
- Oct 14: Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful country and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
- Nov 11: Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
- Dec 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love Minnesota.
- Dec 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here!
- Dec 19: More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.
- Dec 22: More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!
- Dec 25: Merry @*!!@#@! Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the ice.
- Dec 27: More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?
- Dec 28: The friggin weatherman was wrong. We got 43″ of that white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke the last one over his head.
- Jan 4: Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those friggin beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed ALL of them last November.
- May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that lousy salt they put all over the road.
- May 10: Moved to ### (insert name of some place WARM). I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of Minnesota.
All the snow and cold is fine for the most part. It’s the LONG DRAWN out winter that kills me. Not only do we not see the sun for ages in the winter months, we also don’t see snow for long stretches, like now. It’s cold, grey, and snowless, and did I mention COLD?
Going out, even just to the grocery store, requires wearing half of the items in our closets. Mittens/gloves, hat (and / or scarf), jacket, boots, snow pants. Make that times two, for the kids. Plus me myself. It takes at least 20 minutes just to get everyone dressed — and that is if nobody throws a tantrum, makes a poopy diaper or spits milk when we’re half way dressed. Or worse. When we’re all done with the gears and must start over from the beginning.
It’s a fucking nightmare.
Once you step outside, the bitter cold wind cuts right to you and you wish your whole face was covered up as well.
When you reach the store, you must take off half of the gears, for all THREE of us, in order to avoid sweating or suffocating.
Oi. This royally sucks ass.