It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I am just not finding the time or energy for it. Taking care of 2 little ones - even with help around - is difficult. The older one has the Terrible Twos from HELL, the younger one has acid reflux and on/off thrush thus requiring extra burping and holding and more attention in general. I find it hard to even get a bathroom break at times. I wonder how I will manage when the in-laws leave…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I had a breakdown the other night.

One of hubby’s friends (from eons ago) who lives on the other side of the globe, who I met last year (shortly before I miscarried) suddenly messaged me. For backgrounds, he did know about my pregnancy, the miscarriage, as well as Fiona. We aren’t very secretive. Our lives is just one big open book. Anyhow, after the obligatory greetings, he told me that they had a baby boy in May. The same time that I would have had our baby, if I did not miscarry.

They waited 6 months to announce their news — and they didn’t tell hubby either. We didn’t even know she was pregnant.

I congratulated him. Then bursted into tears while typing that we would have had a baby around the same time, if not for the miscarriage, and that it’s still very hard for me to deal. He must not know what to say, because he passed the computer to his wife right away. His wife didn’t know what to say either, but managed to do a little bit of small talk.

I felt pangs in my heart. It was probably very childish of me, but I did not want to talk to them anymore. I just left that screen idling, staring at the lack of empathy and sympathy with my red, puffy, and wet eyes. I havent’ cried in a few weeks, and it’s been a little while since I felt that intense feeling of loss. But it all rushed back, with the same intensity as it was 13 months ago. I did not expect that. When does it become just a memory, a bad nightmare? Never??

Thank you Laura for being there to catch my fall.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Today Miss Fiona is 9 weeks old. She’s growing up so fast. Too fast. She weighs 12 lb 5 oz, and is 23.5 inches long. She was very brave today and endured 4 shots. I wish I could have taken them for her. The poor little thing screamed until her face turned purple. Fortunately she did not get a fever.

I’ve forgotten how much fun it is to talk with a baby. You are the center of their world. And unlike a certain toddler I know, they don’t know how to say NO yet!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I finally resolved the lumpy thing in my left boob. Apparently the ducts were completely closed in 1/5 of my boob. For almost an entire month. I thought it was still the infection working itself out after the antibiotic course. The ped, being a new mom (again) herself, she showed me ways to coerce the milk out. I heart her. My left boob heart her.