Nonchalant
The other day I received an email from an old acquaintance from my college days. We kept in touch for a while after college, but it eventually slowed down and died completely (and guess who was the one not keeping up with keeping in touch?!) with several unanswered emails and even a phone call. I’m assuming it was because of a (new) girl in his life, which wasn’t very nice but hey, everyone handles their relationships differently. Some continue their life as usual, while others shut out most people to dedicate wholly to their new love. And people grow apart over time, even when there are not a whole lot of major changes in life.
I told him about the cancer thing when it happened. In a mass-mail. If anyone holds grudges against me for not sending them a personal email regarding that during that very very difficult phase in my life (I’m sure there were a few . . .), then fuck’em. Frankly, I had no energy nor desire to send out hundreds of personal emails repeating the same thing. Anyhow, I also included him in the regular mass-mail updates as I underwent the treatments. Not a whole lot of response from him. Which is not OK but he was not alone in the inaction.
Anyway. After some 4 years or so, I get this email from him. He said he was going through his old address book and “found me”, and wanted to say hi.
Naive and nice as I am, I take the bite, and replied. Come to find out, they are expecting their first child in just one more month. They got married last year. While I’m happy to hear from him and that life has been treating him very well, I can’t help but think this is the real reason he had emailed me. To tell me about their new upcoming arrival. Yeeeeah.
People generally are self-centered. Everything revolves around them, after all, it’s only human nature. But to what extent and what obvious/transparent ways is totally individualized, and some are better at it than others.
So many has happened and I did not miss his friendship in all these years. I’m guessing that I will be just fine without having regular contact with him. So I’m just going to reply with a “congratulations” email and some more small talk and be done with this. Do you think it is too cold of me? Am I being obnoxious and on a high horse about this? Are there (many) people like this in your life as well, and how do you handle it?
July 17th, 2005 at 3:22 pm
I also sent out a mass email telling people of my diagnosis, and I also had people who were less than responsive (one not contacting me at all for almost 5 months, by which point I was almost finished treatment). And when some of these people contact me now, I don’t really care. Because really? When I needed them? They weren’t there. And if they didn’t have time for me when I needed it, I don’t feel a need to make time for them now.
July 18th, 2005 at 8:14 am
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.
Relationships are for both/all participants. If you feel you’re giving all, but not getting anything in return then by all means you are well right to send the obligatory congrats and be done with it. No need to expend your precious energy, esp. with the baby coming soon, on a friendship that is mostly one-sided.
August 9th, 2005 at 6:08 am
Since you ask… Life is too short. What, you need this? No. You need people who will make the effort. I say Godpseed.