sweetisu

Something has been bothering me. It’s not even about me, but it affects me somewhat, periodically anyway.

I have this friend whom I met during my very first week of school in the states many many moons ago. She comes from a broken family - divorced parents, and there were constantly strange men coming and going in their house, some stayed longer than others. Her mom did not work outside the home; I don’t know how they supported themselves. But she was unaffected, it seemed, by all these. She was smart, caring, pretty, and friendly. We became friends quickly and I relied on her support for several very crucial years, mostly with my English and adjustment to the western world. She was an immigrant herself, and moved here when she was much younger. We had a lot in common. Sadly we slowly grew apart; she was very popular among some of the boys at school and I was a bookworm. By the time high school ended we didn’t communicate very much but still kept in touch. I went off to a university several hours away while she stayed behind and went to a local community college. I remember one visit I made to her when I came home during a weekend / break — she told me she was pregnant and she was not going to get married. The father of the child (a total deadbeat IMO) and her were still together, but if they get married, she wouldn’t get any government aid for the child. She was just 18. I admit I was a little judgmental at the time.

We grew apart even more after that. It was a slow, but seemingly mutual thing. She busying with her infant and I with increasingly difficult classwork. Our communication slowly became nonexistent. I move to a different state and started my life with hubby.

Years go by. My mom ran into her (and her new boyfriend) one day in town. She asked about me and passed her contact info to my mom. I hesitated calling her. I didn’t know what all has happened to her in the last several years, but it was clear that she was no longer with the father of her child. I felt sad for her child but also glad that she was able to move on with her life instead of hanging onto a deadbeat. She doesn’t know any of the happenings in my life also, except for the fact that my mom showed her my recent wedding pictures. My mom didn’t tell her of my bout with cancer.

Many moons go by again. I decided suddenly one day while at work that I would give her a call. It felt strange at first. It was as if neither of us has changed at all, and yet both of us are so different now at the same time. But we were chatting just like old times relatively shortly after, catching up on each other’s lives. It turns out that she didn’t finish college yet, because of work and caring for her child, there just isn’t enough time in the day. But she will soon, and was going into a promising work field after that. Her boyfriend is in the same field as her, also still going to school, but it seemed as though they cared for each other greatly and have very good potentials to be successful in their careers / future. The only problem (as I saw it)? The boyfriend’s parents know nothing about her or her child, and they have been together for 2+ years (and have been living together). Granted, his parents live somewhere near the Indian Ocean and she says there is some cultural differences that is preventing him from telling them about her. She was not OK with that, but in the grand scheme of things, she didn’t want that to be the deal-breaker either. She said he’s the best guy she’s ever been with…

She graduates and finds a decent job. He graduates and couldn’t find one, slacked off for some time which agitated her, but finally got a job at the same place where she worked. Everyone’s happy.

For now.

Eventually she became unsatisfied with her job (mostly her pay as she says it is much lower because she’s a woman and a minority), and her boyfriend. Nine out of ten emails from her complains about one or the other, or both. And it has been over a year since I’ve contacted her.

Yea, it’s getting old for me. I mean, what else can you say after a whole year plus of saying the same thing in so many different ways? I don’t know all the details to their relationship, but my g-d, get a grip of reality girl! His parents knows NOTHING about you or your child, and refuses to tell them when you requests him to do so. Each time his parents come to visit, you have to go and “hide out” at your mom’s house until they leave. And for this latest upcoming visit, he says “he will do what they tell him to” after they’ve met you and your child. (That is, IF he is truly going to let you meet his folks). If this kind of behavior / attitude toward your partner isn’t a red light for disaster, I don’t know what else qualifies.

In some ways, I’m torned. I want to be there for her as she had been for me so many years ago. However I’m truly agitated that she hasn’t left him / the relationship yet and she somehow doesn’t see this as a Really Bad Relationship. Could all the years of her mom having strange relationships with men skewed her sense of perspective? And unconsciously she’s attracted to deadbeat men like her mom? It’s quite possible and likely. But she’s a smart girl, she should be able to see a cliff when she sees it, no?

I don’t know what else to do for her. Lately it just has been frustrating talking to her at all. If it’s not complaints about the job, then it’s the boyfriend, or worse — both. Does she want me to just shut the fuck up and listen to her complain about him for the next who knows how many more years (or until whenever he decides to leave first)? Or is she looking at me for advice? I’m afraid it’s not the latter.

What would you do / say if you were me?!