Friday, April 29th, 2005
A Guide for Family & Friends of Cancer Patients
Cancer, Baby has just received devastating news that her cancer has returned. Please send her all your love and support. It will mean so much, even if you don’t think it will make a different. Trust me, it does.
I have been meaning to put this “Family & Friends Guide” in writing for some time. Here it is. Keep in mind this is from MY OWN experience only and I do NOT represent the whole community of cancer survivors and their views.
What You Should Do
* Call / email / write and express your love and support explicitly. Say things such as “I’m sorry” “I’m here for you if you need to talk or cry, or just someone to yell at” etc.
* Offer help. “What can I do for you (name specific things) — bring dinner, do laundry, grocery shop, etc” and ask what sort of food they preferred. A vague “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” is well intended but not very helpful, because there is certainly something that you can do for him/her.
* Do follow through with your offers.
* Call / email at least once a week to say “Hi, how are you doing?” “I’m thinking of you” etc.
* Send cards / flowers / care packages / books / videos, whatever is more fitting for the person. If they are extremely ill as a result of chemotherapy / radiation, it is best NOT to send fresh flowers, as that may cause some set back in some.
* Visit him/her whenever possible / when immune system is on the rebound in between treatments (do NOT visit when you have a flu / cold / whatever).
* Donate blood / plasma.
* Sign up for bone marrow testing and/or donation.
Remember, a day in a cancer patient’s life is VERY long. So extra TLC (tender loving care) is needed. And frequent gestures of reminders that they are loved and cared is very beneficial and goes a long way.
Healing the physical body is the easier part, healing the soul/spirit/emotional being is much harder and takes much more time, care, and love. And that’s where you, friends and family play the biggest roles.
What You Should NOT Do
* Do not say “my grandfather’s friend’s boss’s wife’s cousin had cancer and they are fine now”, because think about how is THAT a helpful thing for your loved one to hear?!
* Do not avoid him/her. Cancer is not contagious.
* Do not say “god does not give us more than we can handle” or something similar. Although this depends on the person’s religious views, but it is highly likely that s/he is very upset at god right now.
* Do not dismiss his/her angry / bitter / cynical feelings. Just listen and do not give advice.
* Do not tell them “be positive, you won’t get better if you’re angry/bitter all the time.” After all, no one, NO ONE including yourself is positive, cheery, and happy go lucky all the time.
* Do not say “you’re so strong/brave” “This will make you a stronger person” …
* Do not say “you’re so young, age is on your side” no matter how true that is.
* Do not say “I know how you feel” unless you have had cancer, even then, you DON’T know how s/he feels precisely…
* Do not compare this tragic situation/diagnose to something of your own / do not compare pain.
* Do not assume things. Ask. And ask specific/explicit questions.
I’m sure there’s more, but this is what I can come up with at the moment.
on Saturday, April 30th, 2005 at 7:12 pm:
Sweetisu, that is a perfect post. I can’t think of any other advice I would want to give, you covered it well. Thanks for that.
on Sunday, May 1st, 2005 at 6:15 pm:
Your last two posts touched a nerve for me. I have had a few friends go through tragedies and so few people even bothered to call and see how they were. It infuriated me.
BTW, how are you feeling…pregnancy wise, emotions wise (with cancerbaby’s diagnosis), etc? I miss seeing you around as often as I use to.
on Monday, May 2nd, 2005 at 5:24 pm:
I think everyone needs a copy of this, as it can apply to so much and it reminds us that people DO need us, and they need us greatly.
Just as we’d need them.
Thank you for writing this and I hope someone out there googling finds this and takes something good away.
Hope you’re well.
on Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 at 12:37 am:
[…] 5 can be ANYTHING YOU LIKE: Dos & Don’ts that I wrote nearly 2 years ago. Cancer, baby that I linked in that post has since passed away. She […]