It is simply unbelievable. 20w0d today. Exactly halfway point. Amazing. I am still absolutely positively scared, anxious, and fear of the Bad Thing That Might Happen.

The bleeding and spotting stopped around 12 weeks. I felt some fluttering at about 14 weeks, and really felt movements around 17w3d. The kungfu tournament continues, and increasing in strength by the day. I think the kid will have a Black Belt by the time s/he is born.

Up until now I have not really been able to blissfully enjoy this pregnancy. I don’t think that is possible anymore after experiences of loss. You lose the innocence and the naivety forever. You lose trust in your body and sense of control. It’s simply no rushing out to buy blue or pink immediately before your pee stick even dries up, no rushing to make calls to everyone you know in the world and shout from the rooftop too. You just kind of hide and never really get your hopes up too high, because it hurts much worse if you’re dropped from higher grounds.

When I was pregnant with our son, I took belly pictures. I think I have at least one to represent each month. I stood in front of the mirror admiring the ever growing bump, and boobs. I jumped on the scale every morning to see how much I’ve gained. Everyone knew right away that I was pregnant. I glowed immensely, the whole nine months.

I did none of that this time around. I am still sitting cautiously in the corner seat, just holding my breath, one day at a time, one minute at a time. I’m too scared that if I start to enjoy it, something bad will happen. It is very illogical, but that is the truth of how I’m feeling.

Today I had the halfway ultrasound. We have the OB visit on Wednesday to discuss any details / whatever. The tech made some comments here and there throughout the 30 minutes.. She said the baby is measuring pretty right on schedule, about 4 days later than what LMP predicts which sounds good to me as I ovulated on the 17th or 18th day. The baby is about 11 oz in weight and heart rate was 146 bpm. So it was very good to hear and much needed reassurance. I might actually start to believe I will have a little baby in my arms in another 20 more weeks.

Oh yes, she was 80% sure that it is a baby girl.

Do you think it is safe for me to exhale now?