Monday, January 31st, 2005
If you’re going to have a baby, look after him with all the care and love that he so rightly deserves. He didn’t ask to come into this world. He’s a baby. He can’t talk or walk or defend himself. You’re his mommy and should be his most determined advocate, to protect and love him unconditionally, to provide the best environment for him so he flourish to his fullest potential. Yet you failed him. While you were paying, with a check – who uses checks these days anymore – his little head bobbled up and down and sideways. He’s not even old enough to sit by himself yet. Let’s not forget that you were physically about 5 feet away from the shopping cart. And how about that crusty dried up and started up again booger trail hanging from his nostrils, while he’s nibbling away at the safety belt on the cart, which you did NOT fasten onto him. You’re a breeder, not a mother. Your actions were loathsome, and I had only been in line for a mere 2 minutes. I can’t imagine what goes on at home. I so hope you come around someday soon, but probably not soon enough to avoid any emotional and physical trauma to the little boy. What a sad, sad vicious cycle.
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
My husband and I “met” on the internet. We’ve crossed paths many times for about 2 years, but we never went past the equivalence of small talks at a party with someone uninteresting. And after that it was onto someone else far more intriguing and we would forget about each other until the next time of small talks. He was going to school in State T, and I was going to school in State A; far from each other.
Then one fateful December night, there I was with my usual chat friend and typing away. I thought we were the only two not idling in the channel. Just about every person had gone somewhere with their family for the Christmas holiday and it was unusually quiet. I was telling her I was supposed to drive to State Q to do my internship but was stuck by the damn flippin’ snowstorm that affected several states. He suddenly chimed in, “hey I am living in State Q”, and then we talked (I mean, typed) briefly. It was in the wee hours in the morning already and one needs to sleep sometimes.
Next day, I’m still stuck in snow hell, so surfing and chatting on the internet I go. Eating Ramen noodles as I sit at the computer clicking away. And there he was again. We talked a little bit more, and I find out that the place I rented, is less than 5 miles from where he was staying! Unbelievable - it’s such a big metropolitan area. I didn’t know anyone in the state of Q, and since I will be there for 7-8 long months, I wanted to make some local friends. We exchanged contact info. And that was that.
I drove in the snow-aftermath highway to state Q, my new destination. Unpacked and settled in my new place. We had agreed to meet the Saturday after my first workweek. Just going out to eat. When dinner was over, we decided to go see a movie, just because neither of us had anything else to do.
Two weeks went by quickly. We were inseparable by now. We saw each other daily for the next 7 months. Then I went on a month-long vacation before school started again. He proposed within weeks of my return from the trip. And the rest, as they say, is history.
I think my life would have been written differently, if it weren’t for that particular snowstorm. And if I wasn’t such an internet junkie in college, I would have ended up somewhere else, most probably with someone else. It’s funny how things turn out sometimes. There was a Star Trek episode where it showed how one single decision would result in a million different outcomes, if that decision was made just ever so slightly different. I don’t remember the details of that episode, but I do recall it gave me quite an eerie feeling.
I am forever thankful for that snowstorm, for the internet, and most of all, to have met and married my husband. My best friend.
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
Hooray. We’re # 1! Unreal.
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
The subchorionic hematoma seems to be “dissolving” slowly, but surely. Hence the reason why I’m still having brown blood and spotting daily (this morning, a few hours before the appointment, I had a small gush of bright red blood again).
As said in an earlier post and reconfirmed by the nurse practitioner, I will continue to bleed a few more weeks minimum. Unless I have cramps accompanying with bright red bleeding, I should not be alarmed and I won’t get another ultrasound til halfway point. I hope I’ll be able to keep my sanity til then.
Today, the baby measured 7w2d from one angle, and 8w2d from a different angle. If all goes well, the expected due date is Labor Day. September 5, 2005. I’m relieved. At least for now.
Thank you so very much for all of your supportive comments and words of kindness. It means a lot to me to have you all to lean on in bad times, and to share laughs in good times.
Monday, January 24th, 2005
I’ve received more visits from .edu ’s in the recent days, more so after fabulous Mare linked me.
I have a site counter that keep track of some visitor’s info such as domain names, IP addresses, referrals etc. Nothing real exciting. I don’t check it very often, as it made me angry on a couple of occasions. However, I checked it tonight, and I saw one that made my heart skip just a bit.
It was from none other than my own good ol’ university that I graduated from several years ago.
I wonder if this person knows me. And if s/he does, must I start watching what I say and who I discuss or diss? I suppose seeing that .edu address just made it all seem not-so-anonymous afterall? This person did not leave a comment, so I’ve no idea what s/he was looking for, whether s/he found it or not.
So, .edu visitors, what is it that you’re looking for? If you’re looking to hook up for a class reunion, please contact me via our alumni association. I think the next milestone reunion is coming up real soon. 
Monday, January 24th, 2005
8w0d.
Can time go any slower?
This is terrible, how I’m wishing time to hurry up and pass. Many people in this world wish they would be able to just have a few more seconds here and there. The father who missed the flight to see his daughter for Christmas. A swimmer’s spirit sunk to the lowest of low when beat by his competitor by 3 seconds in the finals. Two young lovers wishing there’s just few more hours to spend together, as their summer affair has come to an end and school starts again, in separate parts of the world. I could go on, but you get the picture. And here I am wishing it to fast forward 4 weeks.
My last pregnancy ended at exactly 8w0d.
This pregnancy, I’m still having brown blood/spotting, am still in limbo. Having no symptoms of pregnancy at all. Not knowing if there’s still a baby inside of me who is alive and well.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
27 more hours til ultrasound.
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
1. I have a unique first name.
2. In fact, I have three first names, all unique.
3. English is not my first language.
4. I’m a carnivore. I’ve eaten many a type of meat.
5. I’m also a huge lover of veggies and fruits.
6. I rarely drink alcohol, never smoked, and never taken (street) drugs.
7. I don’t take much caffeine.
8. I’m not a Mormon nor a Jehovah Witness.
9. Some say I’m boring.
10. I say I’m just a good girl. And a cheap date.
11. I’m an atheist.
12. I didn’t have any toys while growing up.
13. Still, I had a very happy childhood.
14. I had cancer at age 24.
15. I was never ill before that. Ever.
16. I lost a lot of friends.
17. Cynical became my middle name.
18. Anger became my last name.
19. We had just moved to a new city/neighborhood/house.
20. I had just graduated from college.
21. I had just started my first full-time job.
22. I lost every single strand of body hair, except for eyebrows and eyelashes.
23. I hate needles.
24. I will never get a tattoo, aside from the 3 dots I already have from when I had radiation therapy.
25. I don’t believe in all the crap that says adversities are our lessons in life.
26. I say there are better ways to learn those lessons than through suffering.
27. I loathe people who throw their religion at me, especially those that don’t practice what they preach.
28. I got married at 24. Two months before they told me about the cancer.
29. I knew 7 people at our wedding of 170 guests.
30. My husband and I met online.
31. It was not through personal ads.
32. We never dated online.
33. He’s tall. He’s hot. He’s GQ.
34. We have one wonderful child, a baby boy.
35. Our baby boy is tall, chubby, smart, fun, funny, and is multi-lingual.
36. We want more children.
37. I have tiny boobs.
38. I had a lot of breast milk to offer our son while breastfeeding.
39. I have a hard time finding nice clothes because I’m short and small and I don’t fancy fashion in the children section.
40. I’m usually 100 +/- 5 pounds in weight.
41. I’m not a morning person.
42. I’m an engineer.
43. I’m geeky, nerdy, and a tad anti-social.
44. I’m also anti-Bush and his gang. Make that very anti.
45. I don’t wear glasses and I don’t carry pens in my shirt pocket like Dilbert.
46. It’s very easy to get on my good side, just be nice to me.
47. It’s very easy to get on my bad side, too. Be mean once and you’re to remain there for eons.
48. Some say I’m judgmental.
49. I say I have strong opinions and a strong mind.
50. I hate smokers who smoke around children. Or around nonsmokers. Or around me.
51. I hate smokers in general. Not at the person, but at the choice of habit.
52. I had many years of second hand smoking.
53. I prefer Coke. Not Pepsi. And definitely not Root Beer.
54. I don’t understand the whole ice cream on top of soft drink thing.
55. I failed the written driver’s test 3 times, the driving test 2 times before I got my license.
56. I used to get car motion sickness.
57. I used to have road rage.
58. I had 6 speeding tickets in 6 years.
59. I’ve been involved in 2 car accidents; both times were rear-ended by someone.
60. I cannot wear high heels.
61. I don’t like to wear pantyhose.
62. When my hair is short, I want long hair. And vice versa.
63. I giggle every time I hear the name “Harry” and have visions of a man who resembles a baboon. (Sincere apologies to all Harry’s. I just cannot help it.)
64. I have great dexterity with my fingers.
65. I don’t do any knitting/crocheting/whatever needle work.
66. Someday, I want to learn how to quilt. And knit.
67. I have great dexterity with my tongue and can tie a cherry stem with it.
68. I occasionally have pimples on my temples. It drives me crazy.
69. Ignorant people also drive me crazy.
70. I usually make telemarketers hang up before I do.
71. I like to be the center of attention. Unless the group is >10.
72. I snorkeled once. I loved it.
73. When I retire, I want to travel the world with my husband.
74. We don’t have any pets.
75. My favorite color is yellow.
76. My favorite flowers are daisies. All varieties.
77. I’m allergic to mosquitoes.
78. We live in a state where the mock state bird is mosquito.
79. I don’t like the cold.
80. We live in a state where temperature can go as low as -30F.
81. Someday we will move.
82. I once built a bridge using toothpicks and glue.
83. My favorite chocolate is Rocher. I love nuts.
84. I prefer milk chocolate, not dark.
85. I’m frugal. My husband says ‘miser’ fits better.
86. I used to be lactose intolerant.
87. I’m afraid of heights.
88. Am not afraid of flying or climbing / hiking mountains.
89. I don’t like sharing living spaces with roommates/non-familly people.
90. I was not born in America.
91. I’ve never watched The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music, Casablanca, or any of the ‘American Classics’
92. I feel just as American as the next guy.
93. Somedays I want to move out of the US.
94. I enjoyed photography as a teenager.
95. Some friends call me Photogenic.
96. I don’t have a lot of friends. See #16. Also see #43.
97. Most of the friends that I do have live very far from us.
98. I took a lot of belly pictures when I was pregnant with our son.
99. I always jokingly say I’d like to have half dozen children.
100. Maybe I make fun of it, but it’s truly what I want?
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
Not long ago, I got an email from this individual. We’ve never actually met. We’ve chatted over the years via email and instant messagings. Shared tidbits here and there, but really don’t know a whole lot about each other aside from the fact that we share a common ground that linked us together - hodgkin’s disease/lymphoma. It’s her (adult) son who had it.
Anyway, she asked how I was and what I’ve been up to etc. In my reply, I briefly mentioned that I’m afraid of what will happen in the next 4 years. Who are we going to invade next? We’re so hated in the world as it is already. I’m just purely afraid of what the consequences we Americans will face in the world due to this admin and its actions. That was the extent of all I’ve said in that regard.
She writes back, more terse than her usual tone. There were tidbits of stuff here and there, superfacial politeness can be sensed, it was unusual. Then I realized why. At the end of the email, she signed: hername (Pro-Bush)
She decided to completely avoid an intellectual debate and just wrote “pro-bush”. She probably lables me as Unpatriotic, too.
Wow. And, double sigh.
Monday, January 17th, 2005
Not only am I ‘plagiarizing’ Grrl, I’m even sharing the condition in which Sarah had in the beginning of the pregnancy. The doctor calls it Subchorionic Hematoma/Hemorrhaging; I call it a blood clot. Grrl/Sarah has since lost one of the twins. Please say some prayers for them and keep them in your thoughts.
I have not had any more bright red blood since Thursday, just some brownish here and there. I’ve been taking it extremely easy and laid around most of the past few days. That said, I’m still on high alert and freak out every couple of hours or so. Still no pregnancy symptoms aside from the bloating – which I’m told is a side affect of the progesterone supplements I’m taking.
This past weekend was one of the coldest I’ve ever experienced. It was deep-freeze condition. Here we are, early Monday morning, and it is still –11F (-22F when combined with wind chill factor).
Please send warm thoughts my way. Literally and figuratively speaking. Truly appreciate it. Thank you.
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
My blog was visited 20+ times after I wrote the previous post. And yet only two loving ladies cared enough to say a word of support and encouragement. Two. That is very sad. And hurtful. And wrong.
I will vent more about this on another post on another day.
. . .
After waiting 50 minutes in the office lobby, watching a bazillion hugely pregnant woman get called in and then come out, we (hubby & I) were finally called into the “little office”.
Wait another 20 minutes for the nurse practioner to show up.
She asked a bunch of questions regarding my medical/pregnancy history plus any and all other relavant info (I’ve not met her before) for another 15-20 minutes.
In the ultrasound room, she fiddled around with the pickle wand for 10-15 minutes and declared there is a vanishing twin (!!!!!), hence the bleeding. But she was not 100% sure and could not get a clear view of the fetal pole(s), so she wanted to discuss with and ask for my OB’s expertise.
We wait in the semi dark room. Didn’t know what to talk about. Long silence. 15 minutes goes by. It is now way past noon.
“I’m starving. Do you have any snacks?”
“No.”
“Well, can you go find out if there’s a vending machine, and please get me something?”
Off he goes.
Not even a minute went by, the OB came in, with the nurse practioner. OB positions pickle in me, we saw a baby. And a heartbeat!!! (Then enters hubby to the rescue with food & water) So we go over the baby and the heartbeat again. It was very nice indeed. One baby. Our baby!
And, there’s subchorionic hemorrhaging, he said. It’s the same size as the gestational sac, which is why the nurse practitioner thought it was “vanishing twins syndrome”. I think. I guess subchorionic hemotoma is the same thing?
There’s a 50% chance that I would have a healthy baby. The same chance for a miscarriage.
I will continue to bleed on/off for 1-4 weeks. On my Jan25 appointment they will do another ultrasound. That is, if the baby doesn’t come out before then.
I’m so scared.
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
…on my panty this morning at 5:30a.m.
6w3d today.
Appointment in 2 more hours. With a nurse practitioner I’ve never met before.
Baby, please stay with Mommy for several months longer…
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
I saw the two pink lines yesterday. Again. Whew.
1,117,800 more seconds to go until I go in to see the OB.
. . .
The next 10 days weather forecast will be below 20F for the entire 10 days/nights (or -6C for those using the good system).
I will have to find a very strong stapler to staple my ass to my body so it won’t freeze off.
Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
AFAIK, I’m still pregnant. But I haven’t felt much nausea, haven’t thrown up yet, my boobs don’t feel as tender, my stomach feels very bloated and cramped, and I’m freaking out again.
I don’t see the docs until Jan 25. TWO more weeks + 2 hrs! That’s 1,216,800 more seconds! Assuming they see me promptly at 3:40pm, which is false since they’re never punctual.
When I was pregnant with my son, I had nausea and threw up couple of times a week minimum. Started about 4 days after I tested positive. With the 2nd pregnancy, the one I lost in October, I didn’t throw up at all, until I was thrown about in the sea while snorkeling. That was the only time I threw up.
Please please please tell me I’m just paranoid. I’m going to pee on a stick as soon as I get home. That is all my power will be able to command. Wouldn’t it be neat if the pickle wand can be purchased like an i-pod or camera-phone? Let’s see what’s up in your hooha today my dear! Ohhh won’t you look at that lovely?
I’m almost over the cold. Thanks for asking. Geez. I’m glad I still have an intact nose after all that blowing.
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
From now on, I will start all my conversations regarding this pregnancy with “If all goes well…”
If all goes well, the due date is September 5, 2005. Appropriately it is also Labor Day holiday (in the US). That must be a good omen. I hope so.
We were at a party last week. Someone had a not-so-full-blown cold and decided to come to the party anyway. Another party goer had chicken pox, with just a few blisters, but his parents didn’t know it and they all came too.
All 3 of us got sick within two days. And still haven’t recovered. We all have caught the cold. Coughing, runny nose, the whole schbang. It doesn’t help when the outside temp is in single digit F. But hopefully we didn’t catch the chicken pox also.
I admit, these sort of things cannot be prevented. You put yourself out there in public, potentials for getting some germs will be guaranteed. It just sucks ass to be feeling that my head is the size of Greenland right now. No wonder my baby boy has been extra whiney and clingy. He just doesn’t know how to verbally say “sucks ass”.
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
14 dpo = 115
19 dpo = 778 (today)
Are they pretty? Are they good? OK? Just numbers, and you-must-wait-til-after-you-hear-the-baby’s-cry-to-feel-relief? Haven’t talked to the doctor yet. They won’t see me for another 3 more WEEKS or so.
. . . . . . . . .
Hey YOU out there, I still want those recipes. Even though I’m back to work now, I might still have time to cook. Yea, I’m talking to YOU. I know you’re there.
