Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
Last night I started having cramps. Period-like cramps. And I’ve been bloated since Sunday.
30 minutes ago I went to pee. When I wiped there were many many many brown streaks of blood… It looks exactly like the onset of a period.
Today, 4w2d.
WTF. Can’t I get a fucking break???????
Monday, December 27th, 2004
These last 2 weeks I’ve been off work. That’s another story in itself. I return to work after the New Year.
It’s been fun staying home with my son. But at times I wondered if I really would have pulled out all my hair and weaved a rug out of it. He’s 17 months old today. He’s a very good baby but demanding nonetheless just because he’s a toddler.
All this time at home has given me some time to try out a few recipes. Our usual menu consists of some sort of stir fry, rice, soup, etc. Not Western food. So I tried using the oven. I made some meatloaf which hubby loved. I made some biscotti (what’s the plural for that anyway?) which were way overbaked and you literally need to soak it in milk/coffee so you don’t break your teeth while eating it.
Baking is a good way to cook! I like it! Which brings me to ask all you ladies (and gents) to kindly share any and all recipes that you’ve tried and love. But please don’t send the super complex ones. It could be crock pot recipes, too. Thanks in advance!!!
Anyhow, it has been a torture to take temps every morning and squinting my eyes to make sure I read it correctly. Then retaking it to see if it changes. Double checking it against another thermometer to see how different it varied. Staring at my chart umpteen times a day hoping I can will it to magically give me a triphasic pattern. Well, you know how it goes when you’re taking temps / charting.
So FF recalculated my O date and today I’m 12dpo. I couldn’t resist so I pee’d on a stick this afternoon. I think I see a second line. It’s ever so faint that I don’t think I can trust it. But I do see it. A second line. I’m too scared to get excited. What if what happened last time happens again??? I can’t think of what I would do and how I can survive another one. But I think I saw a second line. I’m holding my breath until I see the doctor. I think I will hold my breath until the baby is actually safely here.
Friday, December 17th, 2004
I’m back into the pool of ttc again.
According to FF, today is 1 DPO. If I don’t get pregnant this cycle, it would mean the old hag is going to be visiting me right after Christmas and even a couple of days into the New Year. With the trend of great luck I have had lately, that’s what will probably going to end up happening. Oh what great fun.
Can’t you see, I’m so excited. Hooray.
Saturday, December 11th, 2004
For the most part, I’ve been pretty lucky in my life, compared to some. But I have had 2 major adversities in the not so distant past. Specifically my body decided to go for a little bit more fun because really, who wants to be a boring body that never gets sick and never rebels against its owner. So like a teenager, my body went on some bodily adventures that hurt itself and its owner along the way, without realizing the consequences.
It’s amazing what people will say, just to say something, because they don’t fucking know what else to say. And worst of all, they think it is of help/comfort to you by telling you these things.
Here are some of the astonishing parallels:
Upon hearing that I’ve been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, these phrases were said to me, in no particular order and not all by the same idiot, I mean person:
* My cousin’s wife’s best friend’s grandpa (insert Unknown Someone that this person knows, usually someone who and retired) had cancer, and he’s fine and healthy as a horse now.
* Hodgkin’s lymphoma? At least that’s the best cancer to have if you were to have one.
* At least it was only stage 2.
* You’re young. Age is on your side. You’ll beat this and won’t remember this happened to you at all.
* You’re a chemical engineer. You were exposed to a lot of bad chemicals. I bet that’s what caused it.
* You’re too stressed out all the time. Stress causes a lot of sickness you know, including cancer.
* Did you eat an All-Organic diet (insert whatever other food you should/shouldn’t have eaten)? Because if you did, you wouldn’t have gotten this!
* I truly believe that the mind is a powerful thing. You need to think positive thoughts to get better.
* It’s a lesson/test/blahblahblah/bullcrap that God has bestowed upon you. You should be thankful for such a learning experience.
* It was meant to be for you to have cancer, so that you will become a better person.
* I bet you and your husband are closer now than before this happened.
* I never called/emailed/visited you again because I thought you a) wanted to be alone b) were too sick/sad/depressed. I didn’t want to bother you. And I don’t know what to say.
Upon hearing that I had lost my baby after 2 months being pregnant, these phrases were said to me, in no particular order and not all by the same idiot:
* My boyfriend’s sister’s fiancé’s cousin’s good friend (insert Unknown Someone) had x number of miscarriages, and now she’s a mother with x number of healthy kids.
* At least it was early in the pregnancy.
* You’re young. Age is on your side. You can get pregnant again and have more children later.
* You’re a chemical engineer. You were exposed to a lot of bad chemicals. I bet that’s what caused it.
* You’re too stressed out all the time. Stress isn’t good for the baby you know.
* Did you eat an All-Organic diet (insert whatever other food you should/shouldn’t have eaten)? Because if you did, you wouldn’t have miscarried!
* I truly believe that the mind is a powerful thing. You need to think positive thoughts.
* It’s a lesson/test/blahblahblah/bullcrap that God has bestowed upon you. You should be thankful for such a learning experience.
* The baby was not meant to be.
* I bet you and your husband are closer now than before this happened.
* I never called/emailed/visited you again because I thought you a) wanted to be alone b) were too sick/sad/depressed. I didn’t want to bother you. And I don’t know what to say.
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
I wonder if this is worse than riding bicycles. Hmmm. And how (much) does higher temperature affect a woman’s egg in the same scenario?
And why is the left side temperature different than the right side huh???
What topic will they research next?
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
Just read this. It warmed my heart, which isn’t easy to do because typically my first and foremost reaction to other’s good fortune is jealousy. I first read about this woman’s work through an article on Reader’s Digest. I was very moved by the story, by her dedication and determination to get laws passed. I think they will do even more great things with the recent winnings.
On the other hand, our neighbor, less than 5 houses from our house, has won an after-tax lump sum of $35+ million dollars this summer. I haven’t heard a peep about what their plans are for this incredible amount of money. All I’ve seen so far is them doing major renovation to their house, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just…
What a big contrast.
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
Shock. Horror. This might very well be my first semi positive post.
Tomorrow is the 16th Anniversary of our migration to the US. I was a 12 year old petite girl who spoke no word of English, who didn’t know any of the English alphabets, and who had never saw snow before.
My family and I had major culture shocks everyday for several months. I don’t think we ever totally fit in, even today, but we adapated. I’m the baby in the family and I think that gave me an upper hand. It’s much easier to mold someone when they’re young, naive, and impressionable. Even so, I find myself not entirely at “home”.
Do I miss home - where I was born and raised? In alot of ways, yes. Then again I’ve lived more than half of my life here and I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t be able to live over yhere anymore. I would encounter culture shock all over again and have to relearn everything. Mostly I just miss the food and the pace of life.
Can you guess (the country) where I was born? Winner gets to see a picture of my baby boy! Of course he’s way way more photogenic than me.
Sixteen years. It seems forever ago, yet sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday. Alot. Has. Happened.
I’m living the American Dream, albeit the shitty luck in the last 4 years. (I was talking about my personal life, but yea, with Dubya in office — ugh for 4 more years too — is also very very shitty).
And I still don’t like snow.
