Friday, October 15th, 2004
Heartbroken
What happened to us on October 2nd is the worst that anyone could experience in life. At least I think it is the worst. I’m quite sure you would agree.
I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant. It took a while to conceive, with the help of Clomid nonetheless (2nd round to be exact). We were elated when the second pink line appeared on HPT. Ahh we can finally have sex when we want to, not “Honey, I think the egg’s coming!” scene anymore. We were so proud; I had pooched out already at 6 weeks along. It made it seem all the more real. I had been feeling great except the occasional vomit sessions. So we announced it to all the relatives and friends when we took a trip to my husband’s hometown (on the other side of the globe). I went shopping for the latest maternity fashion.
We returned home from the trip, exhausted and jet-lagged. I started spotting that very same evening. Very tiny, brown. I was not too worried. The next day morning (Saturday), nothing. I was relieved. But not for long. The bottom of the toilet turned to a crimson tide when I went to pee in the afternoon. I called Hubby into the bathroom and pointed to the toilet, wailing “…our baby is gone…..” I felt sick. I felt pain. I felt sad. I felt numb. I felt…anything and everything a Mother would feel after losing her child. Later that evening, after lots of cramping and lower backache, I passed a huge clump of tissue. I held it in my hands and stared for a very long time. I saw the sac, and saw the baby floating inside. S/he had budding arms and legs. I caressed the sac with my fingers. I cried myself to sleep that night. I later found some ultrasound pictures of 8wk pregnancies online and our baby looked just like the other babies. So the pregnancy was progressing fine. Then why did this happen??? We buried the baby and the placenta under our giant cedar tree in the backyard. There’s a makeshift tombstone. I am very heart broken and haven’t been able to stop crying.
Since we had announced to the whole world of our expecting, we must now tell them the sad news. I was shocked and hurt by many of the comments we received. Everyone wanted to “play doctor”. Everyone wanted to tell us that they know the reason why it happened. And everyone told us that “you can have another”. I do not think they realize that babies are not replaceable. I also do not think they realize their comments, although well-intentioned, were very very hurtful, insensitive, and uneducated. I was overwhelmed. If it isn’t for my husband, my mom, and a few TTC online pals, my sanity would have been long gone. So I shut out nearly everyone because I did not want to be hurting any more than I already was.
Hence the start of this blog. Maybe writing will help me get through it. Maybe I will wake up one day to discover all this is just a very bad nightmare. Maybe the sun will shine again.
Below is a nicely written poem I found and modified to fit our plight.
How do I say goodbye … when I didn’t get to say hello?
I want so bad to keep you … how do I let you go?
I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share
There’s nothing I can do … why is life so unfair?
You are my perfect baby … I dreamed of you long ago
I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go
The pain and confusion I feel inside
I cannot explain … I cannot describe
I wish I could hold you and rock you to sleep
Instead I will love you in my heart … it’s all I get to keep
You are an Angel in Heavens above
You will never be alone … you have Mama & Baba & Gorgor’s love
You will be my sunshine in the daylight, and the brightest star at night
It’s painful knowing you’re no longer inside me, someday we’ll be alright
Everyone speculate the cause, something or someone to blame
Does it really matter to my feelings of loss and pain???
But I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now
Then the thought of you suffering thru life … we’ll get thru somehow
I was blessed to have you briefly … even though I have to let you go
I wish I knew the reason but I guess I will never know
In my heart I will never forget
The little baby I never met
on Sunday, October 17th, 2004 at 10:29 pm:
I’m SO, SO sorry.
Sending your good thoughts from Houston,
Karen@Chookooloonks–>
on Wednesday, October 25th, 2006 at 10:46 pm:
[…] This year, October 2nd came and went without any tears. I certainly have not forgotten my baby. Everyday when I look in the backyard over to the big cedar tree, I remember the sweetness of the tiny baby that was and could have been. I remember the burial day vividly. But the rawness of the pain is no longer intense and often absent as well. […]
on Tuesday, November 21st, 2006 at 2:55 pm:
It was so touching to find your site… I was almost a mother; I lost my baby (first) on Sept 2 at 17 weeks. I’ve been trying to find answers, consolation, something. I’m tired of the shit responses i get of, ‘it was probably for the best’ or ‘don’t worry, you can try again soon’ and other such comments. dh is sad, but doesn’t talk about it, and i feel so alone. i’ve tried to move on, but i keep thinking of my baby boy. Is something wrong with me?!? i waited 3 years to try and this was my ‘gift’… people in my family thought i was faking; that i wasn’t having problems (the dr. put me on bedrest and some family members thought i was exaggerating what that meant) and how they say shit like, better now that a still born at 9 months.
I admire your strength and hope i will be like you soon… remembering with no tears.
on Saturday, February 10th, 2007 at 5:26 pm:
I found your site by chance,i was looking for someone who miscarried his baby just like me to give me some power to keep going, some responses i couldn’t get from the people around me. i lost my first baby just yesterday at 6 weeks, since then i’ve been trying to stop crying or thinking about my little angle,but i can’t ,really i can’t ,my eyes are always full of tears to blow… i feel so sad ,no one can understand my pain..i keep thinking that few days ago i was overwhelmed and today am completely heartbroken.
I’m still bleeding and having cramps..i do not know if i will have the strength to move on..
on Tuesday, May 15th, 2007 at 7:57 am:
Reading your story has helped me a lot since no one has been able to tell me the exact words the words that my heart long for words like i understand you pain i’ve been there done that. Two weeks ago i lost my boy my sweet boy i was nine months pregnant and i was the most happiest woman on earth but when the dr told me that you baby heart has stopped beating i felt cold inside i felt so alone since than, but people kept on saying those words that irritate me like it better that it was a stillborn……… so to stop them i have hidden my feeling but God knows my pillow knows i cry every night i miss my baby so bad i see people with they infant babies i can’t help myself. thanks for your site it real does give me hope that even thore my boy is so irreplaceable but there is still hope for me that some day i will be happy in this lifetime.
on Friday, August 1st, 2008 at 6:58 pm:
there are never any words that will help when something this senseless happens…i am so sorry for your loss…i have miscarried twice and although i am so grateful for the daughter i had inbetween them, i still think about what they would have been like, how old they would be right now, how they wouldve enriched my life…i am currently 6wks pregnant again and truly, i have never been so scared…..you will never have a worry-free pregnancy after a miscarriage and sometimes i even feel bitter that God would allow us to go thru such emotional pain for no apparent reason….i dont feel as if any lesson was learned, i dont feel it made us any stronger or better people, it just made me more cynical, jaded and protective of my only living child……i am constantly paranoid that something might happen to her and that would surely kill me…..i encourgage you to keep doing anything that makes you feel like getting up in the morning and moving forward….again, i am so sorry for you and your husband’s loss….just know that you are not alone and there are couples that feel the despare that you are feeling now….i will pray for you and for your emotional healing…i ask that you please do the same….
Toni Tyler
Pocahontas, AR
on Friday, August 1st, 2008 at 6:58 pm:
there are never any words that will help when something this senseless happens…i am so sorry for your loss…i have miscarried twice and although i am so grateful for the daughter i had inbetween them, i still think about what they would have been like, how old they would be right now, how they wouldve enriched my life…i am currently 6wks pregnant again and truly, i have never been so scared…..you will never have a worry-free pregnancy after a miscarriage and sometimes i even feel bitter that God would allow us to go thru such emotional pain for no apparent reason….i dont feel as if any lesson was learned, i dont feel it made us any stronger or better people, it just made me more cynical, jaded and protective of my only living child……i am constantly paranoid that something might happen to her and that would surely kill me…..i encourgage you to keep doing anything that makes you feel like getting up in the morning and moving forward….again, i am so sorry for you and your husband’s loss….just know that you are not alone and there are couples that feel the despare that you are feeling now….i will pray for you and for your emotional healing…i ask that you please do the same….
Toni Tyler
Pocahontas, AR