What happened to us on October 2nd is the worst that anyone could experience in life. At least I think it is the worst. I’m quite sure you would agree.
I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant. It took a while to conceive, with the help of Clomid nonetheless (2nd round to be exact). We were elated when the second pink line appeared on HPT. Ahh we can finally have sex when we want to, not “Honey, I think the egg’s coming!” scene anymore. We were so proud; I had pooched out already at 6 weeks along. It made it seem all the more real. I had been feeling great except the occasional vomit sessions. So we announced it to all the relatives and friends when we took a trip to my husband’s hometown (on the other side of the globe). I went shopping for the latest maternity fashion.
We returned home from the trip, exhausted and jet-lagged. I started spotting that very same evening. Very tiny, brown. I was not too worried. The next day morning (Saturday), nothing. I was relieved. But not for long. The bottom of the toilet turned to a crimson tide when I went to pee in the afternoon. I called Hubby into the bathroom and pointed to the toilet, wailing “…our baby is gone…..” I felt sick. I felt pain. I felt sad. I felt numb. I felt…anything and everything a Mother would feel after losing her child. Later that evening, after lots of cramping and lower backache, I passed a huge clump of tissue. I held it in my hands and stared for a very long time. I saw the sac, and saw the baby floating inside. S/he had budding arms and legs. I caressed the sac with my fingers. I cried myself to sleep that night. I later found some ultrasound pictures of 8wk pregnancies online and our baby looked just like the other babies. So the pregnancy was progressing fine. Then why did this happen??? We buried the baby and the placenta under our giant cedar tree in the backyard. There’s a makeshift tombstone. I am very heart broken and haven’t been able to stop crying.
Since we had announced to the whole world of our expecting, we must now tell them the sad news. I was shocked and hurt by many of the comments we received. Everyone wanted to “play doctor”. Everyone wanted to tell us that they know the reason why it happened. And everyone told us that “you can have another”. I do not think they realize that babies are not replaceable. I also do not think they realize their comments, although well-intentioned, were very very hurtful, insensitive, and uneducated. I was overwhelmed. If it isn’t for my husband, my mom, and a few TTC online pals, my sanity would have been long gone. So I shut out nearly everyone because I did not want to be hurting any more than I already was.
Hence the start of this blog. Maybe writing will help me get through it. Maybe I will wake up one day to discover all this is just a very bad nightmare. Maybe the sun will shine again.
Below is a nicely written poem I found and modified to fit our plight.
My Sweet Baby
How do I say goodbye … when I didn’t get to say hello?
I want so bad to keep you … how do I let you go?
I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share
There’s nothing I can do … why is life so unfair?
You are my perfect baby … I dreamed of you long ago
I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go
The pain and confusion I feel inside
I cannot explain … I cannot describe
I wish I could hold you and rock you to sleep
Instead I will love you in my heart … it’s all I get to keep
You are an Angel in Heavens above
You will never be alone … you have Mama & Baba & Gorgor’s love
You will be my sunshine in the daylight, and the brightest star at night
It’s painful knowing you’re no longer inside me, someday we’ll be alright
Everyone speculate the cause, something or someone to blame
Does it really matter to my feelings of loss and pain???
But I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now
Then the thought of you suffering thru life … we’ll get thru somehow
I was blessed to have you briefly … even though I have to let you go
I wish I knew the reason but I guess I will never know
In my heart I will never forget
The little baby I never met